Breastfeeding

I've been blogging about my pregnancy from start to finish...so why not continue into parenthood?  My experiences could hit home with someone, you never know....and I like jotting the memories down for myself.

         I made the decision (which Chad supported) to try and breastfeed after May.  I watched the amazing miracles that it worked on our niece, Lizzie, and knew it was what I wanted for this little guy. 

        I was given the heads up that it was going to be challenging, draining, etc.  I went in with the mentality that I was going to do everything I could to make it work, and if it didn't work out, no big deal we will just feed him formula. 

       Maybe it was because of the traumatic entrance Parker made or being away from him for a few hours after birth or maybe it just wasn't meant to be, but I gave it one heck of an attempt and I know that I didn't fail at it....but it sure feels like it.

      I had a couple of lactation consultants helping me along with the nursery nurses each day that we were in the hospital.  Parker just did not want to latch (he had a great opening, etc...just wouldn't do it).  He would arch his back and push away and SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM!!!  I was patient.  I was determined. I wanted this to work!

       He finally latched for a few minutes at a time but would pull off right away.  The first time he latched it was an amazing, empowering, bonding feeling even if it was only for one minute.  To look down and see this little guys face and know that I was giving him the nutrients he needed was just amazing.  There are no words to describe the bond that we were creating....it's a bond that I have learned you will never understand unless you are able to experience it first hand. 

       I think it was Saturday night, but we had a new lactation consultant come in and work with us.  She (and the nursery nurse and myself...yep  it took 3 people) was able to help me get Parker to latch for 45 minutes!  Success! I will NEVER forget the experience.  The picture of his face when he was fully satisfied and full, he unlatched and looked so peaceful and content....that will forever be engrained in my brain. 

       After trying a shield, different positions, supplementing formula with a dropper, etc Parker still was not latching for more than a few minutes at a time.  To get to those few minutes we went through MANY minutes (usually 20+ each time) of screaming, pushing, and back arching.  He is a strong little guy!!  It broke my heart to see him fight like that.  The last latch we ever got was Sunday night when we came home from the hospital...and it was for about 6 minutes.  Yes, I do remember the times and lengths because it was such an amazing experience when he did latch.  I continued to try to get him to latch and he just wouldn't do it.  I emotionally could not handle it anymore.  Did I "give up" early on trying to get him to latch...probably.  But I was mentally unable to handle fighting him every feeding.  If I was mentally struggling, he was feeling that too, and then neither of us were going to be okay.

       Now, at the beginning I went in with the mentality that if it works it works, if not we'll just formula feed, no big deal.  HA! Let me tell you!  That first latch changed my WHOLE mentality.  I was heartbroken, mad at myself, disappointed, frustrated, depressed, you name it.  I did not think that it would be that hard to stop...honestly.

      So, the decision to exclusively pump was made.  If he won't latch then I'll get him what he needs through pumping.  Now, I was warned that this would be tough also.  I should have known.  Getting up every few hours and locking myself away from the world to pump...even when Parker was sleeping...was tough.  It was mentally/emotionally exhausting.  I would get anxious if I knew he would be waking up soon to eat and I still hadn't pumped enough for one bottle...okay fine, we'll just supplement with some formula until I can get my supply to be bigger.  He started wanting more and more frequently.  I couldn't keep up and my anxiety/depression about not being able to breastfeed him or pump enough for a feeding was affecting my supply and I was breaking down.  I called and spoke with a LC a few times the first couple weeks at home and they offered me great advice and were so supportive. 

       After a clogged duct and a bout of mastitis (or what we thought was mastitis) and allergic reaction to the medicine for that, I had to make the hard decision to keep me (mentally) healthy and able to take care of Parker I had to quit pumping.  I wasn't producing enough for even half a bottle from a double pump session and he was almost exclusively on formula by now. 

       You may be thinking "Really? He is less than a month old. You gave up too soon."  Trust me, I feel like this every day.  My sister-in-law told me I would have the "what if I would have kept going" feeling and I do.  Would be be latching better by now?  Would I still be mentally exhausted and having to fight with him at each feeding?  Would I be happy? Would he be getting enough to eat?  

       I spoke with one of the LC at the hospital one last time to ask how to wean myself off of pumping in hopes to avoid mastitis (HA!) and she did question why I was quitting so early on.  After bawling to her on the phone and explaining what was going on she did agree with me that it was best.  She talked me through how to wean and offered some amazing words of encouragement to me.

      This is a hard thing for me to admit and I wasn't able to talk about it without crying hysterically for quite awhile.  Today I can talk about it and only a few tears roll down my cheeks.  I'm still upset about it not working out and my decision to quit but I have to remind myself daily that it was what was best for Parker AND for myself.  

      Chad has been supportive of all of the decisions that were made regarding this.  He has been a great help and lets me cry on his shoulder when I need to.  I still have moments that I break down about it, but each day is getting a little better.

      There is nothing wrong with formula feeding and it lets Chad help out (even if he isn't comfortable feeding Parker just yet...but those of you who really know Chad know that he doesn't like it when ANY kiddo eats).  I'm still bonding with Parker when I feed him with a bottle and my favorite thing now is when he holds onto my fingers while he is eating.  He will grab on and look me in the eyes and it just melts my heart.  

At the end of the day, I know I made the right choice for Parker and I.